Held back by fear

So... not much to update anyone on. I have nothing new on the doctor front to report. I was sick for a while and struggling with that. I think when anything is thrown into the mix on top of PCS, it gets exaggerated. I feel like it's difficult enough and it's hard to handle any more discomfort. I rescheduled my next appointment with Dr. Leddy for mid-April.

It's been 10 days since I've been feeling better from being sick and I've been doing great on the treadmill. I'm trying to also take the same approach from my treadmill therapy and apply it to the rest of my life. I feel like if the issues I'm having with symptoms in social situations might be related to a stress disorder that can be dealt with through therapy, then I might be able to work on it myself.

I'm not discounting the success of therapy. I think talking about issues and finding out what's going on can be so helpful. I couldn't get an appointment at the place that takes my insurance until the middle of April, so I thought I could try to take a crack at it myself.

I've been easing myself into social situations and trying to push my limits a little at a time. I feel like I might be seeing some success. I know it will take a while to build up my endurance, but maybe regulated exposure to social situations can help me to build up a tolerance.

I also found that I was being held back by a fear of being better. I wonder if the “new” me that has existed since the head injury will disappear when I'm better. I've grown so much and love who I am now. I learned what my true priorities should be. I learned how to give up control of everything. I learned how to fully love myself for who I am. I learned that the amazing King of Kings, Lord of Lords is the greatest love of my life! I learned how to have a positive, wonderful, and healthy relationship with my husband. I learned how to appreciate my children. I could go on and on.

I don't want to lose the person I have become. I think that may have been holding me back for a while, but I feel more secure now in that fear. I think it's good to be aware of it and cautious that I don't slip back into my old ways, but I can't let it rule me.

Hopefully the more I can trust and let go, the better I might feel. I am glad that I followed the path of looking inward. Sometimes I think I just need someone to tell me that it's ok and I'm not going to hurt myself more if I do something. A special thanks to Dr. Leddy for being that person that God used to deliver that message.

Please pray that I will continue to see progress on the treadmill and out in my life. Maybe one day soon I'll be driving, jumping on the trampoline with my kids, dancing with my husband.... :-)

With faith, hope, and love,

Kate

PTSD and Concussion linked?

It's been 2 weeks since I've been able to get on the treadmill, and it's getting frustrating. I've been sick with nausea, vertigo/dizziness, headaches, swollen glands, etc. I have a test Friday called a VNG to find out where the vertigo is coming from and how to go about resolving it. Up until the vertigo started, I had been making some pretty great progress on the treadmill, getting my heart rate up to 160 with no symptoms.

When I saw Dr. Leddy today I brought up the fact that although my exercise tolerance was increasing, the feeling of being overwhelmed in social situations is still a problem. I get nauseous, fatigued, and headaches still when I'm in a crowd of people and sometimes just at home with Dan and the kids if it gets too loud. Even just going to church or to the store causes problems for me for the whole day.

He thinks that we should explore the possibility of it being two separate issues. He wants me to try and seek counseling for PTSD, and thinks that might be the problems I'm having in social situations. He said it could be a result of the head injury, maybe not knowing what happened in the first place. It could be any number of things. Does anyone have any experience with PTSD or counseling that has helped? I'd really like to hear about it if you have.

I'm waiting to hear the test results of the VNG to move forward on the vertigo, etc, and I'm actively looking for a PTSD counselor in the Lockport area who takes my insurance (again – any suggestions?). Please pray about these things. I've never really approached anything like this and am a little nervous and hopeful. If it really is a PTSD issue and can be resolved, this could improve my quality of life drastically!

I did some digging and found a couple articles that make me feel completely opposite. It makes me think there might be a link or a symptom overlap or something. What do you guys think?

http://www.brainsource.com/mtbivs.htm

http://www.injuryresources.com/brain-injury/braininjury178.html

On a positive note – I got my hearing date for Social Security Disability. It will be April 11, and we are really hoping to be approved. We applied in November of 2009, were rejected in March 2010, and just got the hearing date for our appeal. It's crazy how backlogged they are!

Thank you for all your love and support. God is great and faithful!

Love, Kate

Breakdown

Friday night, I was overcome with anger for the first time since my head injury in June 2009. I was so beyond frustrated and couldn't believe how I felt. My whole body was hot and shaking and I couldn't stop the tears from filling up my eyes and covering my face. 


My husband was kind enough to let me have my fit without offering anything more than a hand on my arm to let me know he was there. After the anger was finished burning itself out, I immediately felt shame and sadness. It's been 19 months and there is no end in sight. 


People tell me I have improved, and I know that on paper I have improved. I still feel terrible every day, though! So.... are terrible and more terrible all that different? I have been told that it is a slow recovery and could take another year or more before I'm back to the level of health I enjoyed before the injury. It's devastating to me sometimes to think further ahead than today. Even tomorrow gives me angst. 


I know that God is with me. I can feel Him beside me, I can feel Him holding me. I am so grateful to have Him and I couldn't have made it this far without Him. He is everything. A friend shared this quote with me today: Sometimes God calms the raging storms. Other times He lets the storms rage and calms His child...


I hope all of you in this raging storm with me have the Lord Almighty to calm you as you go through this. 


I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to break down. It's ok to get frustrated, angry, sad, and all the other 30 emotions I can feel in an hour. Job questioned The One. Others have too. God wants us to know Him, not just obey Him. I love to be able to speak to my Father and I couldn't go another day without that. 

Ups and Downs

We saw Dr. Leddy today, but there isn't much new to share. My progress is continuing and I am to just keep pushing my heart rate further and further. I can comfortably do 20 minutes keeping my heart rate under 138 so far, and he's given me permission to push up into the 140's. We may do another functional MRI to see if there is any visible progress in the blood flow to my brain during tasks.

I am trying to get over this virus that's been going through my body. I was sick with a cold type thing for a week, that got better, but now I feel nauseous and tired. I'm not sure if it's symptoms of my concussion getting the best of me, or a virus working it's way through my body, or some combination of both.

Please pray that I can stay healthy so I can keep making progress in my treadmill treatment. When I'm able to be consistent on the treadmill, I feel better. I have more energy and my symptoms are easier to manage. I only had 1 migraine a week for the past 6 weeks, so there is improvement there. The medication I have to treat the migraines also seems to be working pretty well.

Thanks for all the prayers and support. It's been 19 months now, since the first head injury. I go through ups and downs in my attitude and outlook all the time, but it helps me to know that I'm prayed for by so many.