I've started and stopped a few posts this week trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. I've been struggling, but have come through the other end with some encouragement. There are times I get caught up in my own private pity party and I can't break out of it for a few days.
People were bothering me with everything they said, “Well, you look good to me”, “I can't believe you are sick, I couldn't even tell”, “I saw a new treatment for migraines in the paper today – just eat a Dove Ice Cream bar when you start to get one”. Really, people? I know they mean well and are just trying to help or encourage. They just don't get it.
I stayed in that pissy, down attitude for a solid 5 days, but I'm heading out of it steadily. My health is improved so much from 2 years ago when this all first happened. I understand my body and what has happened to me. I have a pretty good handle on my limitations. My relationship with the Lord and my family is fantastic. I guess I can call that “living with PCS”.
There were so many things I asked God for before this happened. Maybe, in part, this is some of my way out of those things. I can only speculate what the King of Kings has in store for me. I wanted a way out of the mountain of debt we had put ourselves in. I wanted to be closer to my kids. I wanted my husband to lead our family and be the man of the house. All those things are happening now. I don't like the way that they are happening, but they really are happening.
I'm home with my kids every day. I am not really able to fully enjoy them, but I can watch them live each day and take their reports in small doses. I can see them becoming more and more independent, and know that they understand how I feel and how to have a relationship with someone with a disability. I get to spend every day with them - no matter how crazy they drive me ;-)
My husband has really stepped up. He works full time, is in the Air Force reserves, takes care of the house, and leads us to Christ and in our church. He has become the man of my dreams, a man like David from the bible, a man after God's own heart. He slips up, he's not perfect, but he has risen to this challenge and changed in ways that he might not have if it wasn't for my PCS.
We were approved for disability after 2 years of waiting. The lump sum back payment went immediately on some of our debt. We are well on our way to paying off so much of our debt. We are being faithful in our giving to the Lord, even when we didn't have much to give. He has been faithful to us financially and is returning much higher than any bank ever could.
There are more little things, but I am trying to focus on the good in my life. The other stuff is just stuff. There is a fresh, new body waiting for me with my King when this life is over. I will continue to try every treatment I hear about (except maybe the Dove Ice Cream Bars). I will keep my treadmill treatment up, and keep seeing all my doctors. I am fighting against this, but also trying to find a way to really live through it.
I would love to hear about the good things that you guys have experienced through your PCS. Have you met someone you never would have talked to? Have family members surprised you? Have you found a deeper relationship with yourself, others, or the Lord?
Hi Kate.
ReplyDeleteHaven't been on in a while.
Sorry I needed to do a test. I wrote two other things and they disappeared.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are doing better. I am kinda stuck right now. My neuro doctor doesn't know what else to do for me. I am going to try the Univerisity of PA they have a Head Injury Department. I hope my insurance covers it. I understand the "well you look fine". Get it all the time. My neighbor keeps asking why I have my son in summer camp when he can just stay home with me and surely that would save us money.
I am trying to focus on the positive. My relationship with my husband had gotten deeper, we are closer than ever. My other positive is I am trying to be more physically active. Trying to small house chores, laundry, dishes, etc. Trying to have dinner ready when my husband and son come home. Trying to lighten the load on my husband. Trying to not let this get to me. No breakdowns recently, well maybe one. Trying to work on my temper, it's been very short since the injury. I can take my son in small doses and I am trying to have more patience. I don't want to miss out on him growing and learning. He understands that I have an injury but not really. He tells
everyone "My mommy has a concussion".
So let's keep trudging on and hopefully things will get better. And Thanks for this blog, it makes me feel like I am not alone.
Karen-Beth,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about posts disappearing! I always write in a document first and then copy and paste it afterward. The blogger program is glitchy that way.
I go through ups and downs too. It's hard to hit times where you are not looking into a treatment or receiving one. It feels like a plateau and it doesn't feel all that hopeful. It's good that you are trying to focus on the positive to get you through this “stuck” time. I think it's ok to have poor me days and little pity parties every now and then.
I do some chores around the house sometimes too. It's hard to not feel like a burden when you are not able to contribute to the family. I'm glad mine really get it and understand. I do a couple things, then take a break and try to do more if my symptoms stay low level. As long as I take breaks in physical, mental, and social activities, I can do a few things here and there.
It's great that your son is able to be in summer camp! I wish we could afford to do something like that with my kids. It's hard to know you can't entertain them all the time and do things with them that make them happy. At least your son can enjoy his summer and you can get the rest you need! There are people in my life that just will never understand this and don't seem to care to try. It is so hard to ignore them, but that's what we have to do, right?! I want to validate myself to them all the time and it doesn't matter what I say or do, they just don't seem to believe that I can't just push through this.
Keep up the positive attitude and try to stay within your limits. Rest often and do what you can without over-doing. Thanks for writing!
-Kate