Defining and Prioritizing

I was on such a high when I found that I had a quantifiable way to tell people how I was feeling and to help myself make better decisions. I thought I would be able to take the emotion out of decisions with my new-found UNO card system.

In the UNO card system: 1,2,3 are red cards which means I am supposed to choose not to do anything. 4 and 5 are yellow, which means I have to choose based on how badly I want to do something or if I will get something positive from what I do. 6-9 are green, which means I should be able to choose to do things that I want to do. Seems pretty easy and straightforward. It's not! I can barely define what each number represents, let alone follow what I'm supposed to do within those boundaries.

I have learned that you can't take emotion out of these decisions. Prioritizing isn't always nice and is sometimes selfish. I am not used to choosing things that are best for me. I'm trying. A wise woman in my life explained to me that me getting better will make things better for my husband and kids. It's not selfish to make choices for myself, because it will get me back in the game for my family.

Over the past week that I have been trying to make better choices for me, several of my friends “needed” me. I almost got on a plane and flew to my friend who was going through a very difficult time in her life. I haven't flown once since my injury and was about to take a long flight halfway across the country to be there for my friend. I would probably have been no good to her when I got there, either. It didn't occur to me that I could probably do better for my friend from home until this wise woman in my life helped me to see that.

We have to make better choices for ourselves. When I'm in the red, it's so bad that I can't imagine doing anything, but I would get on a plane? When I'm in the yellow, I mostly choose things that are for other people, instead of preserving my precious tiny reserve of energy to hopefully hit the green tomorrow. When I'm in the green, I find myself looking for things to do around the house instead of resting and letting my brain heal.

It's been over 2 years since my head injury. I have these little epiphanies often, but each one of them seems to make things so much more clear. I am going to challenge myself to make better choices and to choose ME for a change. I have a fear in the back of my head all the time, “What if I never get better, and I waste my life resting?” It's a gamble, but I'm going to try gambling on the positive side for a while. Wish me luck!