It's hard for me to hear people say things like “It's not as bad as what you are going through, but...” and then proceed to complain about something that is going on in their life. It's hard for me to hear this, because I truly believe it's all relative. We all have our own thing.
A good friend inspired me to be honest: I get angry, frustrated, jealous, sad... so terribly sad. I feel sorry for myself. I wallow. When someone feels better after being sick or injured, I ask, “Why not me, when is my turn?” I am petulant and impatient. I take on too much and then fail miserably.
I am so scared that I might be this way forever. This might be my thing for the rest of my life. I might hit the end of my life and not ever get to feel well again. I have forgotten what it is like to feel good.
The emotions I have experienced while being disabled have ranged from low lows to high highs. I get really discouraged, but I also feel tremendous joy. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a waiting room, ready to hear my name called.
I have watched people get hurt or sick only to be fully healed and whole in a matter of days, weeks, or months. To those people who have been hurt or sick, a week might feel like forever. For me, it seems like the blink of an eye. I've been disabled with this head injury for 2 years, 9 months, and 15 days. For me, it has seemed like forever, but for someone who has been living with a sickness or disability for longer, my struggle is a fleeting moment.
There are people with all ranges of TBI. For me, I can function pretty well. My only limitation is how much pain I can handle. The more I do, the more I hurt. My thinking and processing is slower than it used to be, but I was relatively high functioning before the head injury. Some of my processes feel like they have never even been affected. I can handle physical activity in small doses, social activity in small doses, I can read and write, I can remember pretty well as long as I'm not too overextended. I have limits, but I'm not stopped in my tracks.
I'm so blessed with a support system that loves me and tries their best to help me through this. My husband and children have stuck by me through every moment and fought this with me. I'm loved by the King of Kings, my God, who has never let me go or let me fall too deeply into despair.
I'm a fighter, I will not give up trying new treatments or seeing new doctors until all avenues have been explored, I die, or I am healed and whole. The Spirit inside me will not let up or give up.
