Friday, January 15, 2010


I thought I'd log in and share with everyone how horrible I feel today.

After all my upbeat attitude yesterday, maybe I've worn myself out. I think the ups and downs of this PCS are really severe sometimes.

I feel like garbage today. Really spinny and horrible migraine. "spinny" is my term for lack of a better one. It feels like i'm on a bad trip or something. I can't really put it together.

I really don't like these types of days, go figure. It's hard to get through it when I hurt this much! Time for some Treximet........

Thursday, January 14, 2010


So, say all you want about couch potatoes like me, but The Biggest Loser is dang inspiring. After another sleepless night, I find myself sipping my coffee and watching this week's DVR'd episode. I immediately got up and made my husband and I a healthy breakfast.

I'm at a normal weight, but I guess that's not really what's important. I've been eating poorly and that's unhealthy. My husband works so hard, that I think he doesn't even have time to plan his meals. He picks up lunch after not eating all day sometimes not until 3-4 pm.

I don't want to use the word "resolution" because I've never kept one. I really just want to get our family eating better. We should eat real food! Fresh proteins and produce- whole grains! It would probably help my health too!

... end rant.

No sleep last night. It was 5am when I realized I had forgotten to take my Amitriptyline. I was totally in between sleep and awake all night. I was half dreaming all night long, and they weren't pleasant ones. Bad nightmares. I felt as if satan was pulling on me. I felt evil pressure for some of the night, and felt like the Lord helped me overcome it. It was pretty rough- scary, too!

I love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. It's tough to feel attacked, but I will always know that God loves me and won't allow me to go through more than I can handle. Read the book of James if you don't believe me.

Hopefully I can rest today and recover from last night in time to sleep well tonight.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Good appt today!

I saw my neuro today and it was a pretty informative appointment. Instead of my normal neuro, I saw the PA. At first I felt bad about that, as if I was being pawned off. It ended up being really good.

She was very informative and listened to me. The appointment lasted 30 minutes instead of the typical 5. She gave me a lot of information about alternative therapies that she suggested I try.

I've been taking 20 mg of Amitriptyline/day. She is going to up that to 30-50 during the next 6 weeks. She said the Amitriptyline should help with headaches, sleep, and muscle pain. If any of these three symptoms are not being helped by the dose I'm on, she wants me to up it by 10 mg. She said if we get to 100-150 without results, then we'll try something else.

She also revealed to me that I have a herniated disc at cervical C-4 and C-5. This was news to me! I thought maybe the pain I was having in my neck was "in my head".

She suggested craniosacral therapy (instead of regular physical therapy). I just did some research on it, and it sounds very interesting. She gave me the name of an office that does it in the area. She said all my neck, shoulder, and upper back muscles were in spasm because of the spine protrusion.

She also suggested an alternative chiropractor in the area that could help with the migraines. I'm going to see them and get evaluated.

She gave me a vitamin supplement that my neuro group designed to help with migraines. The mix is:

Riboflavin (B2) - 133mg per capsule x 3 capsules/day = 400mg
Magnesium - 133mg per capsule x 3 capsules/day = 400mg
Feverfew - 33 mg per capsule x 3 capsules/day = 100mg

She said they break it up to spread out the benefit and because it's rough on the stomach. She said it could take up to 3 months before I notice any significant difference, though.

If anyone is interested, here's the link:

I also brought up the UB Concussion study, and she said to go for it. She seems to be very proactive and I'm excited to have some new stuff to try. I'm going to call the UB study and see if I can be evaluated and possibly be a part of the study.

Hopefully I can find rides to all these new things. It would be tons easier if I could just drive! FRUSTRATING!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

"I called, you answered, and you came to my rescue...."

Hillsong, "You came to my rescue"

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

It's such a simple song, but it's been in my head ever since worship on Sunday. I was brought to tears singing to Jesus this beautiful song. As the lyrics have run a loop in my head for the last 2 days, I've been trying to process them.

I love the Lord with all my heart, but I can't help calling out to Him right now. I'm begging Him to make me better. I'm calling, He's not answering! I don't love Him less, I don't have less faith in Him. I'm just calling....

I want Him to be glorified when I get better. I want it to be because He did it. He's the one who will heal me. My husband said it best "When you are complacent, it's easy to let the things in your life bring you joy. When you are hopeful, the joy is that much harder to find every day. It's going to be harder now that you are hopeful."

It's so true. I will continue to call, and one day- He will answer. He will be lifted high!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The step after acceptance?

So, I had totally accepted that I have post concussion syndrome and that it may never go away. I was at peace with it and with God. I was excited to see how He was using me and my PCS to glorify Him.

I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee" the other day, and something clicked in my head. This quote was the moment things changed:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

I suddenly realized that maybe I hadn't really accepted that I was just stuck with this. Maybe I was just complacent and afraid. I think I have been afraid of getting better.

It seems so weird to say that I was afraid of getting better. My husband compared it to "survivor's grief" when I discussed this with him. It doesn't make much sense, but it is understandable. I don't know?

Couldn't God's glory be revealed in me getting better? Maybe I am worried about change, or that it would be too hard if I got better. I know who I am in this weird PCS life. I have redefined myself as this wife and mother with PCS. It was so scary and hard to redefine myself to this person, it's scary to think that I will have to do it again.

I'm not sure if these words are making sense, or if anyone gets it.

I am excited about it, though. I am able to pray more earnestly for God to heal me if He sees fit. I want it to be for His glory, not mine. I really believe that it is possible now. Maybe I wasn't ready to believe that God could really heal me, or that I was ready to be healed.

Ok, I don't know about you, but this is really making my head hurt. So I'm going to stop for now. :-)

Neuro appt on Thursday....