Monday, March 31, 2014

Staying in the light

I struggled with writing this and coming out with it, but I finally came to the conclusion that I can't hold things back from people if it might help someone who is also going through this. I recently started a new treatment that my neuropsychologist recommended to me over and over again until I gave in and tried it. I started taking marijuana about 2 weeks ago.

It was tough for Dan and I to come to the decision to do this, but we decided on some parameters to make us more comfortable with it. It's legal where we live, so I'm not breaking laws to buy it. I am working on getting a prescription card for it to keep the cost down and to be able to use the medical dispensaries. I will only do it after the kids go to bed, while Dan's home, and if I don't have to drive anywhere. I've only been taking a little bit to give me relaxation and relief, without getting high or stoned.

The results have been fantastic. I would never have imagined that I would find relief in such an odd place. For the first time in almost 5 years, I'm sleeping well and mostly through the night. I even had a couple dreams here and there! Imagine, not dreaming for 5 years and never feeling rested. Either the sleep or the marijuana gives me positive results during the day too. My headache is dulled, my nausea is way reduced. I feel steadier and much more relaxed and rested. I don't have that jittery, restless feeling that I've been plagued with. My brain isn't so overworked and I can focus on the things that I'm trying to focus on.

I've tried all different kinds of medication and any results have been negligible. This is the first time I'm seeing marked results and relief! I'm still doing the neuropsychologist treatments with the brain wave training. It seems to be good to do these two things together. The neuropsychologist thinks it can help my brain see what it is supposed to be like and get used to that feeling.

I know this is weird, different... whatever you want to call it. I'm trying to treat it as a medication and take it one day at a time. I'm continually discussing it with Dan and another accountability partner to make sure I'm not abusing it. The kids know I'm taking a new medication that I have to take at night, before bed, when their Dad is around. I'm keeping track of the amounts, times, and results in an app I've found.

Please consider before you judge that I'm not the kind of person who would decide this lightly or jump into doing this without struggling with it. It's great to finally have something that is helping. We'll just see where it takes us. Please pray, not only for the effectiveness of this, but for strength for Dan and I. It is difficult for us to be bringing this into our family. We are praying to keep the positives outweighing the negatives. It's better to keep things like this out and in the light, rather than hidden away in the darkness.


Saturday, March 1, 2014


We are switching things up at the Neuropsychologist. The last few treatments I've had have all been z-score training without LENS. He thinks that the LENS would have done it's magic for me by now if it was going to work. The z-score training is more like physical therapy for my brain.

It trains the brain using visual and auditory positive reinforcement. When my brain is doing what it's supposed to do, it receives reward. He can see my brainwaves at each electrode site while the z-score is happening. It's good for him to see my progress, and he's able to adjust the difficulty levels when appropriate.

This won't give me immediate results, but will be more like rehabilitating a limb. Over time my brain is supposed to get stronger and learn how to communicate more effectively within itself and to the other areas of my body.

I'm still hopeful that this can give me some positive improvement. It's more work and a longer road, but I believe that God can work through anything.