Friday, March 18, 2011

Held back by fear

So... not much to update anyone on. I have nothing new on the doctor front to report. I was sick for a while and struggling with that. I think when anything is thrown into the mix on top of PCS, it gets exaggerated. I feel like it's difficult enough and it's hard to handle any more discomfort. I rescheduled my next appointment with Dr. Leddy for mid-April.

It's been 10 days since I've been feeling better from being sick and I've been doing great on the treadmill. I'm trying to also take the same approach from my treadmill therapy and apply it to the rest of my life. I feel like if the issues I'm having with symptoms in social situations might be related to a stress disorder that can be dealt with through therapy, then I might be able to work on it myself.

I'm not discounting the success of therapy. I think talking about issues and finding out what's going on can be so helpful. I couldn't get an appointment at the place that takes my insurance until the middle of April, so I thought I could try to take a crack at it myself.

I've been easing myself into social situations and trying to push my limits a little at a time. I feel like I might be seeing some success. I know it will take a while to build up my endurance, but maybe regulated exposure to social situations can help me to build up a tolerance.

I also found that I was being held back by a fear of being better. I wonder if the “new” me that has existed since the head injury will disappear when I'm better. I've grown so much and love who I am now. I learned what my true priorities should be. I learned how to give up control of everything. I learned how to fully love myself for who I am. I learned that the amazing King of Kings, Lord of Lords is the greatest love of my life! I learned how to have a positive, wonderful, and healthy relationship with my husband. I learned how to appreciate my children. I could go on and on.

I don't want to lose the person I have become. I think that may have been holding me back for a while, but I feel more secure now in that fear. I think it's good to be aware of it and cautious that I don't slip back into my old ways, but I can't let it rule me.

Hopefully the more I can trust and let go, the better I might feel. I am glad that I followed the path of looking inward. Sometimes I think I just need someone to tell me that it's ok and I'm not going to hurt myself more if I do something. A special thanks to Dr. Leddy for being that person that God used to deliver that message.

Please pray that I will continue to see progress on the treadmill and out in my life. Maybe one day soon I'll be driving, jumping on the trampoline with my kids, dancing with my husband.... :-)

With faith, hope, and love,