Thursday, November 25, 2010


On a day where I am supposed to be celebrating thankfulness and feeling gratitude, I'm unfocused and distracted. This seems to be the only way to describe the way I feel when my weaknesses are being exploited.



What does that even mean? I'm feeling attacked. You know what it feels like when you can see yourself and you know in your mind what is going on, but you can't stop yourself anyway? I'm wallowing and I want to make myself stop and acknowledge the things I am so deeply grateful for.

There are days where I can see the joy and the glory of the King that He puts inside me. Then, there are these days. On these days I'm disappointed. I'm feeling beaten down. I'm feeling frustrated to be where I am. I know it's momentary and light, but in the moment it feels like it's swallowing everything else up.

I know satan won't win. I have God woven through every part of me from the inside out. I have a general peace about this time in my life. My temper tantrums are brief and forgotten easily by the gifts and blessings I have every day.

Right now, the way I feel – it will be gone by tomorrow. Even though I can hate this moment and I want to be better so badly, I know that my journey has glorified the perfect, blameless, righteous, holy, awesome, mighty Rock, whose hands I place every single day in.

I want the world to know that my life belongs to Christ the King. If my struggle can show His faithfulness and grace, I would be honored to continue.

I just want you guys to know that I feel this way too. I can talk about God's glory and love, but I feel frustrated, disappointed, angry.... so many things. I feel them often, and it causes problems. It doesn't mean that I don't love God or I'm not thankful for the great things in my life, it just means it's ok to feel this way.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Things have been stagnant and frustrating lately. I know it's supposed to be a long road for me and that it might not end, but my human impatience is getting the best of me. I had a cold and a sinus infection for 2 weeks and I wasn't able to get on the treadmill for that time. I am going to try and get back on this week if my heart rate will cooperate. Dan and Bella have also been sick and it makes things tough around the house. It's so great to have help and encouragement from our church family to get us through these rougher days.

I'm trying to stay positive and keep trusting in God's timing. So many great things have happened through all of this and other than my health, life hasn't been better. My honesty and humility are continuing to improve, and it's easier to let people help us.

Please keep praying for us: for my health, Dan's ability to take care of everything around the house, the kids to continue to thrive through this, and our faith in God and His ways.
I see the neurologist on Monday next week and then I see Dr. Leddy from the UB study the following Monday.

Friday, November 5, 2010


I've been really miserable this last week. I think I caught some sort of a bug on top of all my other symptoms I have to deal with daily. These are the days where you know that God knows more than you do about your strength.

I can't tell if I'm sick or if this is just a really long relapse. Since Saturday I've gone through 12 boxes of tissues! It's ridiculous!

It's been affecting my treadmill activity too, which is disappointing. I was so excited to be able to produce consistently on the treadmill and feel like I was maybe making some progress (for 3 days). My heart rate has been out of control and too high for what I've been doing. I haven't been able to go for 20 minutes every day either.

Hopefully this dark cloud will pass soon. I'm trying to stay positive. There's a free "read through the bible" website that's been very encouraging for me during the last few months. You can pick from different reading plans that suit your needs and wants. It's I'm reading the "Psalms and Proverbs" plan and it's been inspiring.

David went through extreme ups and downs. He was righteous and a sinner, and he loved God. It's great to put things in perspective by reading through his struggles and his cries to God. It helps me remember that it's ok to call out to God and not have to put on a brave face for Him. We can be real, broken, disappointed, frustrated.... and He loves us anyway. It's an amazing feeling to know that He is here and He's not leaving me.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Research Articles

Hi guys, I re-read through some of the articles that Dr. Leddy from the UB Concussion Clinic has written. It's really cool to be able to understand the physiological side of what happens to your brain and body during PCS. It's a lot to get through, but if you break it up and read it a little at a time it's really valuable information.

I feel like I understand better what is going on in my brain and how the research study I'm in is working.