Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Over the last 3 years, I have felt like I've been on a roller coaster ride that never ends. I was living with a mindset that my condition is temporary and I just have to get through it. “Once I am better, I can …” This past month, I hit the lowest low emotionally of the “ride”. It was awful. I was angry at God, wondering why He hasn't healed me yet. What was He waiting for?
I remained in this low for longer than any of the others I had felt over the past 3 years. I couldn't see past where I was and felt as if it would never feel better. Some wonderful people in my life reminded me of some things in ways that I was able to hear.
Most times when people try to lift you up, it seems like it is just because they are uncomfortable seeing you in the state you are in. It doesn't seem genuine or even helpful. I have heard, “At least you don't have cancer” more often than you would imagine. Of course I'm grateful that I don't have cancer!
One friend, in love, told me about her sister who is brain injured and will never be better. A family member reminded me of a cousin I have who was in an accident and has had severe limitations his whole life. These things were not said to cheer me up or to make me stop complaining, but to help me see myself and my situation more clearly.
I am limited by pain and fatigue, but there is so much I can do! I am not limited in my understanding, my ability to communicate, or even my ability to take care of myself. I have so much. It has taken me 3 years, but I'm finally accepting my position as my life and not seeing it as a temporary landing spot until whatever is next.
God hasn't given me a disability, he has put me in a unique position to have an understanding of a whole group of people that I never had before. I have so much and through this trial, am given so much more. I can ask God now, “What would you do in my situation?” instead of whining “When are you going to make me better!”
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I had been in a dark spot this past few weeks and am slowly climbing my way out of it. I'm so grateful to all the encouragement that I received from friends and strangers alike. I'm sorry for those who tried when I wasn't ready to hear it yet.
I find I go through cycles where I am ok with things for a while, then I get so deeply discouraged that I feel as if I'll never find my way out of it. Well, I'm starting to see the light. I have been having a bout of insomnia this week and was awake this morning for the sunrise.
It's plain to see that God shines His light on us every day. You can see its beauty and maybe even appreciate it whether you are a believer or not. Once you start to connect and feel the emotion behind it, that's when you are won over to Christ. Looking at the beauty cast by God's light in such darkness won me over yet again. It's amazing how dark it can get after only a few weeks of shutting out God's light.
I'm grateful for God's patience, understanding, love, and unfailing faithfulness. I am grateful that He gave me the gift of a husband who is honest and leads me back to Christ when start to waver. I'm grateful for children to love me unconditionally and give me joy every day. I'm grateful for the support of a network of people that support and love me even when I'm surly and discouraged. There are so many things that I am truly blessed with.
I will not give up the fight.
Monday, June 4, 2012
I can't believe it's been 3 years since my concussion that started all of this. I know that I've come a long way, but right now it just seems like I haven't made any progress at all. The new neurologist found nothing conclusive in all the tests he ran. This is good news, but I think I was holding on to hope that there would be something he could find and fix easily.
He's put me on Topamax daily to try and prevent some of my migraines and Maxalt for when I do get them. These are medications I've tried before, but we are trying different dosages and deliveries.
I'm seeing my primary physician tomorrow and am going to bring up an Endocrine study that my husband and I looked into, which tests hormone levels and how they might affect some of the symptoms I'm having.
I'm feeling discouraged lately and am having a hard time fighting my way out of it. I've been trying to stay positive this past 3 years and just live my life despite my limitations, but am realizing that I have to do a better job living within them. I'm trying to face the reality of my situation and trying to be more honest with myself and with everyone else about what I am truly able to do and be.
I need to do a lot less and say “no” a lot more. I'm hoping that my friends and family can be patient with me as I find my new normal.