Over the last 3 years, I have felt like
I've been on a roller coaster ride that never ends. I was living with
a mindset that my condition is temporary and I just have to get
through it. “Once I am better, I can …” This past month, I hit
the lowest low emotionally of the “ride”. It was awful. I was
angry at God, wondering why He hasn't healed me yet. What was He
waiting for?
I remained in this low for longer than
any of the others I had felt over the past 3 years. I couldn't see
past where I was and felt as if it would never feel better. Some
wonderful people in my life reminded me of some things in ways that I
was able to hear.
Most times when people try to lift you
up, it seems like it is just because they are uncomfortable seeing
you in the state you are in. It doesn't seem genuine or even helpful.
I have heard, “At least you don't have cancer” more often than
you would imagine. Of course I'm grateful that I don't have cancer!
One friend, in love, told me about her
sister who is brain injured and will never be better. A family member
reminded me of a cousin I have who was in an accident and has had
severe limitations his whole life. These things were not said to
cheer me up or to make me stop complaining, but to help me see myself
and my situation more clearly.
I am limited by pain and fatigue, but
there is so much I can do! I am not limited in my understanding, my
ability to communicate, or even my ability to take care of myself. I
have so much. It has taken me 3 years, but I'm finally accepting my
position as my life and not seeing it as a temporary landing spot
until whatever is next.
God hasn't given me a disability, he
has put me in a unique position to have an understanding of a whole
group of people that I never had before. I have so much and through
this trial, am given so much more. I can ask God now, “What would
you do in my situation?” instead of whining “When are you going
to make me better!”
Hi Kate, I have been following your blog for awhile now, and don't know how you do it. I know the pain, and the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride all too well. I try to stay positive, but at times it seems impossible. I am starting to understand to take a good day for what it is... A good day, and to not set myself up for a perceived failure. I truly hope you recover as fully, and as quickly as you were injured... But if nothing else I hope for a good tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteHi Liam,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to know what this type of pain and uncertainty is. It's terrible at times, a lot of times.
I have really bad days and really bad weeks. The last time I was down, it lasted almost a month. I am only just now getting to acceptance after 3 years and I'm sure I'll falter there as well. It's hard to take a "good day" for a "good day", because on a scale of 1-10 of pain, a good day is like a 5 or a 6. Most people wouldn't call that a good day.
Thanks for your encouragement and kind words. The God of heaven knows you and loves you. I may be bold in saying that, but I know it's true. I also hope for healing for you, but more importantly I hope you can come to a place where you can live in your present situation. I had up until recently been living in what I thought was a transition place, and it's too difficult. Taking today for what it is, like you said, is such a gift and I'm so impressed that you can do that!
Hang in there!
Kate
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words. It's truly something that helps keep me going. I wish you all the best and hope for healing for you!
Kate