Sunday, January 3, 2010

The step after acceptance?

So, I had totally accepted that I have post concussion syndrome and that it may never go away. I was at peace with it and with God. I was excited to see how He was using me and my PCS to glorify Him.

I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee" the other day, and something clicked in my head. This quote was the moment things changed:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

I suddenly realized that maybe I hadn't really accepted that I was just stuck with this. Maybe I was just complacent and afraid. I think I have been afraid of getting better.

It seems so weird to say that I was afraid of getting better. My husband compared it to "survivor's grief" when I discussed this with him. It doesn't make much sense, but it is understandable. I don't know?

Couldn't God's glory be revealed in me getting better? Maybe I am worried about change, or that it would be too hard if I got better. I know who I am in this weird PCS life. I have redefined myself as this wife and mother with PCS. It was so scary and hard to redefine myself to this person, it's scary to think that I will have to do it again.

I'm not sure if these words are making sense, or if anyone gets it.

I am excited about it, though. I am able to pray more earnestly for God to heal me if He sees fit. I want it to be for His glory, not mine. I really believe that it is possible now. Maybe I wasn't ready to believe that God could really heal me, or that I was ready to be healed.

Ok, I don't know about you, but this is really making my head hurt. So I'm going to stop for now. :-)

Neuro appt on Thursday....

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